Last night Mr. Hanger asked me why I wanted my black belt. And right then and there, I couldn't tell him. It's a goal I've been running towards for so long that I couldn't even remember why I had set it in the first place.
Last night I did some digging around in my mind, figuring out a few things. The first was the answer to the question. The simple answer is that when I first started martial arts I made my mind up that I wasn't going to stop until I obtained it. And I achieve the goals that I set for myself.
But now, my black belt has morphed into something a bit more symbolic.
You see, I've had a mental block in my mind regarding board breaks. It wasn't until last night that I realized why it was there. Me being a perfectionist, at a very young belt I began to tell myself that my technique wasn't good. Or that I would never be as good as so-and-so. When it came to break my first wood board (at blue belt) I hadn't tried it before testing, and was very nervous. When it didn't break on the first attempt, I let my emotions get the better of me and couldn't concentrate at all. I ended up breaking them, but only after I sat down for a while and regained my composure.
From that moment on, I decided two things: that the reason I had such trouble breaking wood was because my technique wasn't good enough, and that board breaks were hard and something to fear.
I've been telling myself that for years. I finally managed to get over it temporarily when I tested the first time for black - and I nerely fractured my arm. This time I had my emotions in check, the right attitude, but not enough focus on the target. And as a result, they didn't break. Moreover, I couldn't break my others because of the pain in my arm. So, my negative attitude came back in full force, with the added problem of an injury.
I've had to go through a lot to be at a place where I can even set up two boards without getting scared. Even looking at two inches would remind me of not only the horrible pain I was in the first time, but also the shame and anger of not getting my black belt on my first try. I'm over that aspect now, but how far I've come still isn't enough. My mental block was still there, and I knew it, but I didn't know what to do about it.
So last night I realized that I have to consciously make the decision to get over my mental block. It seems like a simple conclusion, but it really wasn't easy to see. I thought that as I got better the block would just go away, but that obviously hasn't happened. I had to make the decison to get over it, I had to decide to break my wood.
This also involves undoing years of negative talk I've said over and over in my mind.
Heading back to the previous question, I now have my answer. Obtaining my black belt involves stepping over this huge hurdle, which I can't do without changing my thinking pattern. When I finally break my boards and get my black belt, it will be a symbol of doing that.
I've only been thinking positively for a day, and while I would like to say that I notice a difference, I really only notice how hard my mind is fighting me. I go over my board breaks in my head (with me breaking them), and it's actually quite difficult to do. But I know that after a few days of this new attitude, I will be ready to smash through them. Not only in my mind, but in real life as well.
I do think I will be ready mentally to test on the 10th. This does not mean that I will break my boards on the first attempt. But it does mean that if I miss the first, I will be in the right frame of mind to break them on the second, or even the third. I refuse to be the reason that I do not pass. I'm already a black belt in everything else, now I just need to be it in attitude.
Last night I did some digging around in my mind, figuring out a few things. The first was the answer to the question. The simple answer is that when I first started martial arts I made my mind up that I wasn't going to stop until I obtained it. And I achieve the goals that I set for myself.
But now, my black belt has morphed into something a bit more symbolic.
You see, I've had a mental block in my mind regarding board breaks. It wasn't until last night that I realized why it was there. Me being a perfectionist, at a very young belt I began to tell myself that my technique wasn't good. Or that I would never be as good as so-and-so. When it came to break my first wood board (at blue belt) I hadn't tried it before testing, and was very nervous. When it didn't break on the first attempt, I let my emotions get the better of me and couldn't concentrate at all. I ended up breaking them, but only after I sat down for a while and regained my composure.
From that moment on, I decided two things: that the reason I had such trouble breaking wood was because my technique wasn't good enough, and that board breaks were hard and something to fear.
I've been telling myself that for years. I finally managed to get over it temporarily when I tested the first time for black - and I nerely fractured my arm. This time I had my emotions in check, the right attitude, but not enough focus on the target. And as a result, they didn't break. Moreover, I couldn't break my others because of the pain in my arm. So, my negative attitude came back in full force, with the added problem of an injury.
I've had to go through a lot to be at a place where I can even set up two boards without getting scared. Even looking at two inches would remind me of not only the horrible pain I was in the first time, but also the shame and anger of not getting my black belt on my first try. I'm over that aspect now, but how far I've come still isn't enough. My mental block was still there, and I knew it, but I didn't know what to do about it.
So last night I realized that I have to consciously make the decision to get over my mental block. It seems like a simple conclusion, but it really wasn't easy to see. I thought that as I got better the block would just go away, but that obviously hasn't happened. I had to make the decison to get over it, I had to decide to break my wood.
This also involves undoing years of negative talk I've said over and over in my mind.
Heading back to the previous question, I now have my answer. Obtaining my black belt involves stepping over this huge hurdle, which I can't do without changing my thinking pattern. When I finally break my boards and get my black belt, it will be a symbol of doing that.
I've only been thinking positively for a day, and while I would like to say that I notice a difference, I really only notice how hard my mind is fighting me. I go over my board breaks in my head (with me breaking them), and it's actually quite difficult to do. But I know that after a few days of this new attitude, I will be ready to smash through them. Not only in my mind, but in real life as well.
I do think I will be ready mentally to test on the 10th. This does not mean that I will break my boards on the first attempt. But it does mean that if I miss the first, I will be in the right frame of mind to break them on the second, or even the third. I refuse to be the reason that I do not pass. I'm already a black belt in everything else, now I just need to be it in attitude.
posted by Lisa at
11:05 PM
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