I wonder if I hate Doug.

I don't think I do. Quite the opposite, in fact - I think I miss him.

Maybe I hate myself for missing him. And thinking about him. And caring about him. And not being able to delete his emails.

But I don't hate myself for those things, it just frusterates me to no end.

But I am getting better. Last time I had a Doug relapse I cried. This time I'm only glaring at the computer, annoyed and refusing to look at his emails. Maybe there won't be a next time.

Who am I kidding? There's always a next time.

I wish I could not care. I wish I could not think about him. I wish I could control these things.

Maybe I do hate him.