After class today, Mr. Hanger and I (mostly I) decided to not attempt to do my boards on Friday.
Now, you're probably thinking why not give it a shot?. A black belt testing is more than a shot, it's something you've got to be ready for - you shouldn't go into it thinking that you may not pass.
Now, the reality of it is that you may not pass, of course. But you can't be dwelling on that.
For me, tonight showed me that I'm not yet ready to break my boards. It's not that I want it any less, it's that I want it too much to go into it not being ready. Mentally I'm quite close to being there - this was only gained, however, of weeks and weeks of pounding my poor arm against two inches of (bad) wood. My arm is way too bruised to be ready for tomorrow night. Moreover, Mr. Hanger and I are finding that my body is compensating for my fear of getting hurt in ways it's never done before. When I face a board preparing to do a front kick, my shoulders will hunch a bit and not allow me to follow through with my leg. It's probably a result of me pushing myself further than I was able to, and my body fighting me on it.
I'm going to start going to New West on Tuesdays and Thursdays now that I'm done work. I don't know if I'll be ready before I leave (twenty days!), but I'm beginning to feel that it's ok regardless. I'm taking a bit of the pressues off of myself. This does not mean that I will never get it, this means that I have six months to calm down and refocus.
Reading over this, my biggest fear is that this is a symptom of not caring. Now, no one could ever convince me that I don't care about martial arts, or my black belt. But I'm so used to sprinting towards a goal that it is very hard to undestand the feeling of, well, taking my time.
I'm scared that lightening up on myself will somehow give way to loosing my passion or desire for my sport. And the fact that I'm even considering this makes me even more worried. I'm not considering it, it's more of a fear that I'm harbouring. That when I come back I won't feel the same way about martial arts.
But anyone who knows me knows that it will only be about a month in England before I cave and go find myself a martial arts place when I'm there.
Now, you're probably thinking why not give it a shot?. A black belt testing is more than a shot, it's something you've got to be ready for - you shouldn't go into it thinking that you may not pass.
Now, the reality of it is that you may not pass, of course. But you can't be dwelling on that.
For me, tonight showed me that I'm not yet ready to break my boards. It's not that I want it any less, it's that I want it too much to go into it not being ready. Mentally I'm quite close to being there - this was only gained, however, of weeks and weeks of pounding my poor arm against two inches of (bad) wood. My arm is way too bruised to be ready for tomorrow night. Moreover, Mr. Hanger and I are finding that my body is compensating for my fear of getting hurt in ways it's never done before. When I face a board preparing to do a front kick, my shoulders will hunch a bit and not allow me to follow through with my leg. It's probably a result of me pushing myself further than I was able to, and my body fighting me on it.
I'm going to start going to New West on Tuesdays and Thursdays now that I'm done work. I don't know if I'll be ready before I leave (twenty days!), but I'm beginning to feel that it's ok regardless. I'm taking a bit of the pressues off of myself. This does not mean that I will never get it, this means that I have six months to calm down and refocus.
Reading over this, my biggest fear is that this is a symptom of not caring. Now, no one could ever convince me that I don't care about martial arts, or my black belt. But I'm so used to sprinting towards a goal that it is very hard to undestand the feeling of, well, taking my time.
I'm scared that lightening up on myself will somehow give way to loosing my passion or desire for my sport. And the fact that I'm even considering this makes me even more worried. I'm not considering it, it's more of a fear that I'm harbouring. That when I come back I won't feel the same way about martial arts.
But anyone who knows me knows that it will only be about a month in England before I cave and go find myself a martial arts place when I'm there.
posted by Lisa at
1:26 AM
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